Recover

Can I be completely honest with you? I wanna tell you something you really need to know. It’s something about what’s going on lately in my heart. I think I love you. I am falling for you. I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you being around. Being the person who I would always look forward to seeing every day of my life. Please know that I am not asking you to reciprocate the same feeling since I’m sure you won’t. It just hurts me to keep this inside and leave you though, without you knowing my true feelings about you. Because I guess this means goodbye for now. Please let me heal and recover. Let me leave you in the meantime while I struggle to fight myself inside. While I constantly resist falling in love with you some more each day. Each time you are close by talking to me or simply anticipating the moment that we will be together. I can’t hold this kind of feeling when it makes me so weak and vulnerable to touch you, stare at you, or even think about you every day.

Thank you for being so nice and caring when I needed someone to listen to when I express my feelings. When nobody is even relatable with my struggles of expression, you understand me and share words I wonder how but you are the most emphatic. When none of my friends are rational, you gave me that attention I feel so genuine and unconditional.

Thank you for sharing your secrets even and keeping mine too. I truly appreciate everything about it and your flaws just don’t matter at all to me. You are one good friend I will always remember like the ones I still keep in my heart today.

Thank you for letting me be just who I am for all this time. That made me just fall more into you.

I wanted to be fair with you and make you believe that everything is fine. But it’s not. I tried to move a little away from you thinking that I could be busy with something else. Or made myself believe that you won’t even bother anymore once I decided to move out of your world. Yet here I am, here we are. I am not sure if you have the slightest idea of how struggling I am to resist your presence. And lately, I’ve been thinking to just ignore you or avoid you completely. And every time I do that, you move just a little closer to where I want to be. Do you even realize how hard this is for me? Every time I feel jealous or anxious? Every time I feel so inspired and happy. It’s such an overwhelming feeling, such an impossible dream.

I know you can’t love me back the way I love you because you are straight. And it sucks because this has always been the reason why I am single all of my life. I keep falling for someone who can never fall for me. I keep getting close to someone whom I can’t just be more than friends eventually. The worst is, it's not even your fault.
Whatever it is that's going on in your mind right now. And in the meantime, please know that this isn’t a goodbye for good. And when I got over you maybe you are still around or maybe you’re not. But please remember that I am still your friend. I hope I can pretend some more but I can’t.

Goodbye for now means no more things about you. No contact no meetings or conversations or even small talks. Thank you for being such a kind-hearted man. Thank you for being the man I am proud I have known in my existence. This life as we know is short. So there, now that you know it. I am glad to leave you happy and proud because I am one person to justify how kind and a good person you are. I wish you found that someone right for you soon….

Goodbye.