Unfinished Chapters

Will a straight guy really fall in love with me? Is it even possible, or does it even exist?

I would say that my love story is honestly quite different from most of the movies that I’ve seen or from love stories that I would usually watch or heard of before even BL stories became a thing today.

I am a combination of an old soul, hopeless romantic, picky, and unbothered about love all at the same time. And my love stories are even kind of unfinished chapters? Because I always end up ghosting….and being a ghost. Felt like I always have an unrequited love after each chapter- a sad realization or maybe just my scapegoat that my relationship again didn’t work.

I have never been into a relationship- NBSB as they call it. I used to believe that love will come to you at the right time, but at some point, I doubted this mantra in love. How long should I wait for more? How many more guys will I meet before I found the one? I told myself and asked what is wrong with me? There’s peer pressure, they are sharing love stories around you and how romantic it is. How it made them so happy while I contemplate on the side reminding myself that you will have your own love story too and possibly found your soulmate who might be looking for you as well all this time, it’s just not the right time.

I’m happy though that at least I was able to experience the infatuation, the “moments” and that I am not numb- I feel loved too or at least in my mind I was happy to meet guys who genuinely valued me. But why up to now I am still single? Then I look back and realized that I’m always into straight guys. So, I lost that hope again and just wish that someday one person will show up and refute all the hesitations in my mind.

I was in the third year of high school when I met A. He was a chess player and used to compete for our school. I first saw him when he and one of my girlfriends joined the school competition. It started with a crush because he’s perfect at playing chess and I thought he has the most charming smile. I was infatuated, and I didn’t know how to deal with that during that time. It was a different feeling- I always caught myself smiling whenever I think about him and his charming smile. It grew as the day passed by since he constantly would meet my friend to practice so as supportive as we are, the rest of our circle (all girls) were always present each time. I was very vocal back then- I would greet him every time we see each other. I need not confess my admiration so obviously, my friends then started teasing me. Until I realized that he was avoiding me. I was disappointed with the course and felt extremely sad.

I confided with my friends about my feelings, although I know it was just admiration during that time, I took it like I was heartbroken from the longest relationship. Sounds funny, but I really just want to be friends with him and talk to him like the casual conversation would go.

One time, during the break, I went to the school cafeteria. I was surprised to see him. My instinct was to immediately avoid him. I rattled, I panicked, and my heart was racing like hell, I swear. What was even more nerve-wracking, was as he stood in front of me, so I can’t walk away. My heart dropped, but I still tried to move on and went out of the cafeteria. To my mind, I was wondering what was going on and told myself that I am upset with this guy, so I need to carry on and ignore whatever feelings I have towards him. It was clear to me that I don’t stand any chance of getting to know this person, so why fool myself. Yet, I guess I did fool myself because at the back of my mind, I really like this person and I just really want to be friends with him.

I was inches away already from the cafeteria door when he appeared again in front of me. I wish I was just making up this story, but I am not. The tagger game continued until I finally gave in when he mentioned my name. He said he just wants to talk. My heart and my soul felt like went out of my human body. I blushed, but was still nervous and half-hearted on what to really expect- I was conscious around a lot of students that time.

It turned out that my friends talked to A, and he admitted that he was just intimidated being under a third section and making friends with us (first section-not to brag or anything).

Our friendship started to blossom after that. He is actually one of the reasons why I became more creative or at least triggered that creativity inside me. I was able to write poems we would always put on our school paper, draw arts, and even hand him his own portrait as a gift on his birthday.

He started to constantly visit us in our room during breaks, and we would usually sit by the garden just talking about anything under the sun. It was like a normal routine for us and classmates and people around us were not even bothered about it. I was so happy, and it made me even like him more. He would wait for me after class and just spent the rest of the day in the garden talking, laughing, teasing- it was definitely a memorable experience I live up to this date. Getting to know the person more and without any judgment, you treat each other like normal close friends as heteros would. We shared a couple of outings too. Until High school was over, and we went to different schools. Our communication started to slow down until we lost each other’s contact when I lost my phone.

One time while my new circle in college was heading home to the boarding house of our friend. I saw a familiar silhouette walking. Just out of nowhere I called his name, and surprisingly it was indeed him. He was shocked, and I was very happy to see him again. He told me he was just going to a computer shop to play games. And my new friends knowing that I’ve shared this story too immediately made an invitation for a dinner. So, it went as planned, and we were able to connect again after two years. It was as if nothing changed so as my feeling for him. I still like the person he is and that same charming smile.

Fast-forward, his now a seafarer sailing to different parts of the world, and I am working in Manila. We would always still connect through Facebook whenever his on break and whenever the ship docked in ports. Until it became a rare occasion and for the longest time, I would just accept the fact that it’s never going to work out, more so when I saw his feed that he already got married.

I moved on and let several chapters of my love story unfold. But I always end up looking for someone like A- straight. Could it be that I’m that “the one that got away” for others that I turned down? I could not just take away the truth that I am never attracted to bisexuals. Is this a curse, I asked myself? After how many times that I said no, I’m hanging in the losing end alone and guilty. I guess I just don’t want to put up with unrequited love- it is definitely unfair. Soon I realized that it would not matter anymore if he’s not straight as long as our feelings are mutual. That’s what matters most, right? But I must admit the fact that I look up to A as my standard in love. And I thought I found this again when I met R.

We became teammates, and I was the task to buddy up with him since he was a newbie. He was touchy and funny and clingy most of the time. Slowly I developed that same infatuation feeling, looking for him each time his not seated beside my station, or he was out of the office. He would drive me home every day and then continue on talking through messenger-sharing how spicy was the Sam yang Noodle we bought and then having breakfast after a shift at our favorite hangout place. We were basically constant companions through all the company activities, team buildings and would laugh over silly things we did. He was always available when I needed someone to talk to, and he would do the same even if I was in the middle of sleeping. One time he called, then funny as it is, he would ask me to walk him through how to go over changing the pin on his ATM. Soon I realized that I’m already falling for him. At this point, I was already aware that I don’t want to lose our friendship if I confess. I know we were just friends, and he knew it the same way. But the more I keep it to myself the more the feeling grows, the more he becomes clingy the more I tried to reject him. I guess it is my coping mechanism to try to suppress the true feelings I have for him. I tried to avoid him, but it just made me more frustrated. He is the kind of guy who is very comforting and reassuring-he made me feel much attention, and admittedly he deserves someone right for him. I’m saying this because it was clear to me that he is not into the same-sex. And while I’m well aware of this and the fact that I am bit by bit falling into pieces, I want to salvage our friendship. So, I took different opportunities to at least go away with his presence at work, where we are together for 9 hours every day. In short- I ghost him, blocked his number, and deactivated my Facebook.

The unfinished chapter with A opens up again while I was trying to mend myself with R. I received a DM invite from a stranger- a girl. I was confused and did not expect that she was the wife of A. She told me that A used to tell her stories about me- that made me even more confused. I didn’t know how to react and didn’t know how I should take it. They were having their first baby at that time. I was happy for them, but out of place at the same time. And knowing myself, I could not handle that awkward moment, so I declined the invite and came up with an excuse. It was a very short moment with her and though it was virtual, it felt extremely embarrassing to me. I did not even have the courage to open up that conversation to A. After a long time, he contacted me again when he was here in Manila for his training. We agreed to meet up and just catch up on things (as he requested) but unfortunately, his vacation time was cut short, and he needed to start the training right away on the date we would see each other. Since then, we have lost communication already, and he is no longer active on Facebook and his mobile is already unreachable- just like my feelings for him. Lol!